I have no explanation as to why I’m still crying.

When I cry I seem to finally live.
I  flourish, internally flattening logic
With the power of decision.
I want to make things easier,
Forget about the screaming and the regret.
I’m told a pill will dissolve my pain,
Make all my memories disappear.

Everyone around me begins to repeat
The things I’ve heard before,
the things I never wanted to hear again.
“Allow her to relax, allow her to be brave
Allow her to face fear, allow her to be...”
Driving on a dark highway, I can finally see my future.
A dark room, quiet, almost silent, background noises.
The air is thick;  this smell reminds me of hospital perfume,
Polyester daybeds and trench coats.

At first I start to believe.  
Solutions seem fast, painless and efficient.
Leaving behind not only memories,
Not only nostalgia,
 not only fear,
I was left behind.
No one noticed my figure curled up in the corner,
No one noticed the fear I felt,
No one noticed.

Everyone around me begins to repeat,
Now relax they say,
Be brave they say,
Let her feel free.
Make things bright again, let her smile again,
Don’t remind her of that smell.
Just don’t, do not remind her.
Of her.